Fear not, loyal readers, your hero to zero has not found love in his absence. I am sorry for not having written sooner but, rest assured, my adventures on Match.com have resulted in nothing more romantic than a couple of e-mails and a costly credit card bill.

I am glad however that things are working out for my readers. Sian, 40 from Shrewsbury, joined Match.com as local_minger on the strength of my recent posts. “I’ve got fleas, large facial warts and all manner of infectious diseases… but a great personality!” says Sian on her online profile, which, despite it’s raw honesty, has led to over 200 viewings, scores of e-mails and a couple of dates.

Divide those figures by four and we’re closer to the sort of statistics my online profile is enjoying. Despite my “virtual winking”, even e-mailing a few girls, I have as of yet been unable to score a single date. But before my winking develops into a nervous tick, I’m not going to worry. I like to think that I have a very slow release charm.

It has actually been oozing rather gently over a long conversation with ChicClimber, a 26 year-old junior doctor, with whom I share a love of Belle and Sebestian and Ben Folds. After a couple of inappropriate jokes regarding incest and espionage I guess the slow release charm slowly retracted and ChicClimber went rather quiet. Either that or she found my blog.

If that is indeed the case, Amie, I do apologise and hope you might get back in touch. It’s customary that a girl dates me at least once before breaking up with me. This way is so premature. I know it’s hard to break up in person but it’s much easier to date that way.