Online dating service, Match.com, was quicker than I had expected in reviewing the personal profile I’d submitted to the site. Yep, within two hours of an estimated 72, a member of staff had deemed my submission inappropriate and declined to approve it for publication. “A portion appears to be confusing, filled with random text, cut off mid-paragraph or inappropriate, but it may be approved with minor changes,” the e-mail read.

It was a disheartening start to what was becoming a typical dating experience. If Match.com is singles’ night at the virtual bar of online dating, I had just been declined entry on account of my footwear.

So, I changed my shoes and my approach, read the site’s advice, which recommended opening with a joke (a suggestion I took literally), and submitted my updated profile to almost instant approval. Not only that, I’m told, but its “being considered for the member spotlight.” It can’t have been the picture.

So, a guy walks into a bar…“ouch!” This clumsy but charming man is seeking someone to fall about laughing with. Knock knock…

By day, a mild-mannered designer; by night, a fun loving, music aficionado, this Clark Kent is looking for his Lois Lane, or something less cheesy. Though I’ve never – quite gladly – been mistaken for a bird, or indeed a plane, I like to think that beneath the spectacles and the modest, self-deprecating demeanour is something of a Superman.

I’m not always this annoying. But I really do like music. I listen to everything from Ryan Adams to Frank Zappa, a lot of Indie stuff, and even soul and funk. In fact, I wrote my university dissertation on the latter and its relationship to the Civil Rights Movement in America.

I don’t expect my match to know anything about that! But I am looking for somebody who appreciates good conversation, likes to laugh (I mean who doesn’t – it’s brilliant), and enjoys life. So if you are indeed alive get in touch!

Okay, so the ending sounds a little desperate, my only request being that my date can talk, listen and, essentially, breathe. Still, I’m not holding my breath. My profile’s been online all of 8 hours. And been viewed once. And that was me.

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